Night runner.

I took a long run today - I had lots of thinking to do.

I've been looking at a lot of tough decisions that I need to make. I've looked at myself over the last while and I'm not happy with me - sometimes I'm stressed, other times I'm miserable, and sometimes it's just the fact that I am downright lonely.

I hate my own sin. I hate the patterns I get myself into and the fact that I just can't seem to get things right. I'm cured by Christ - but still vigilantly fighting the stain that sin leaves on my life. And I get disappointed easily, when I can't seem to beat the same actions over and over again.

I ran today for around 12 k's. I ran along the M7 bikeway, all the way to near blacktown, then I stopped and cut through Plumpton / Mt Druitt on the way home. Not the safest... but seeing as I looked like a haggered bum, had no money, keys or phone on me - there wasn't much for me to lose. For anyone who frets about me doing stupid things like this - I've grown up in this neighbourhood, it's not scary - it makes a whole lot of sense - if I don't have money, people aren't interested in mugging me.

I needed to clear my head, and to allow room for God to get in and make an impact. Which of course requires that I need to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff which is always rolling around my thick melon. I am a worryier, don't quote me bible verses, I can quote you 15 billion more. I know that I need to be giving God more room in my life. I know I need to be letting God do his thing, and that I need to give things over to him - to release my worries as such.

I'm not as confident as everyone thinks I am. Most people assume, purely because I am outgoing in almost any given social situation that I am also confident in myself. This is actually a misconception. I am scared half to death of stuffing up. My two greatest fears are the fear of failure and the fear of loneliness. And so with issues which are dealing with both... I'm scared - I'm petrified.... and I don't want to release control and let God; Like somehow releasing it all to God will stuff everything up.

My head is a mess. I know this. This blog post doesn't even really make sense - it's just saying things in no particular order. It's like the entire movie of forest gump - that man just changes topics.

God speaks - when you give him room to listen. My prayer, is that I can mute my own internal voice for long enough to listen to what he has to say to me.

Have a good night blog.