Refresh

Attending Refresh conference yesterday was awesome, and was also confronting for me. It lives up ot it's name in that it is a place which has spurred me onwards. I'm renewed and feeling much refreshed. This is the first place in at least a year which has really prompted me to think and to come at a Christian issue and to think hard on it - much to my scared admittance.

I also came to the conclusion that I have been really lazy in my faith; as ashamed as I am to admit it. I've had a rough trot recently, and one of the things which I think I have done is allowed myself to become complacent when it comes to sinfulness. I've justified my sinfulness by telling myself that you "just don't have the capacity to deal with this at the moment" - or that you "will get around to it, when things are going better for you". A lot of my sin is my own thoughts, my own selfish desires, my own ego which demands that it be stroked. I think Rowan summed it up best when he said:

"Perfection is not obtainable for a Christian, but complacency with regards to
sinfulness also is not an option."

Well, it was enough of a kick in the pants to me. I was sitting on the rooty hill on the way home from the conference and was thinking that this is something that I need to take seriously. And seriously because I want to glorify God. Not because I want to impres people, not because this makes me a better person or a better Christian in the eyes of other people - but because this is for God.

So in conclusion, I set myself the challenge to be more humble, to be more forthright, and to seek holyness and purity as of first importance.

Praises to God in all situations.
Peace,
Mick.

Night runner.

I took a long run today - I had lots of thinking to do.

I've been looking at a lot of tough decisions that I need to make. I've looked at myself over the last while and I'm not happy with me - sometimes I'm stressed, other times I'm miserable, and sometimes it's just the fact that I am downright lonely.

I hate my own sin. I hate the patterns I get myself into and the fact that I just can't seem to get things right. I'm cured by Christ - but still vigilantly fighting the stain that sin leaves on my life. And I get disappointed easily, when I can't seem to beat the same actions over and over again.

I ran today for around 12 k's. I ran along the M7 bikeway, all the way to near blacktown, then I stopped and cut through Plumpton / Mt Druitt on the way home. Not the safest... but seeing as I looked like a haggered bum, had no money, keys or phone on me - there wasn't much for me to lose. For anyone who frets about me doing stupid things like this - I've grown up in this neighbourhood, it's not scary - it makes a whole lot of sense - if I don't have money, people aren't interested in mugging me.

I needed to clear my head, and to allow room for God to get in and make an impact. Which of course requires that I need to get rid of a whole bunch of stuff which is always rolling around my thick melon. I am a worryier, don't quote me bible verses, I can quote you 15 billion more. I know that I need to be giving God more room in my life. I know I need to be letting God do his thing, and that I need to give things over to him - to release my worries as such.

I'm not as confident as everyone thinks I am. Most people assume, purely because I am outgoing in almost any given social situation that I am also confident in myself. This is actually a misconception. I am scared half to death of stuffing up. My two greatest fears are the fear of failure and the fear of loneliness. And so with issues which are dealing with both... I'm scared - I'm petrified.... and I don't want to release control and let God; Like somehow releasing it all to God will stuff everything up.

My head is a mess. I know this. This blog post doesn't even really make sense - it's just saying things in no particular order. It's like the entire movie of forest gump - that man just changes topics.

God speaks - when you give him room to listen. My prayer, is that I can mute my own internal voice for long enough to listen to what he has to say to me.

Have a good night blog.

Job

I understand exactly where Job was coming from. There comes a point in reality where you really want the question asked... what's going on Lord?

I'm having a really rough trot. I mean really bad. From relationship breakdowns, to work problems, to youth group issues, suddenly my health is a problem, and finally there is a swelling of unappreciation dwelling in the abode.

Sometimes I need to escape... I used to escape with computer games when I was younger... I hated what I became because of it... obsessive with this little world with guns and bombs and strategy... Counterstrike - it destroys the inner child. I pulled myself out of that - and escaped with friends... but now it is just that much harder to see friends, and friends are no longer where you are each day - and it takes lots of effort to arrange a day a month in advance.

Sometimes I need to escape. But my life has changed and I haven't changed with it. How do you escape - and where do you escape to? There is much still left for me to learn.

Wisdom in weakness: Where the Lord calls me to be is where I will be. What the Lord asks me to endure, I will do so. For the Lord is a good God, who does not delight in our sufferings. The Lord is a God who does not promise a palace to those who are his... but a whip. It is for the Lord's sake and the Lord's glory alone that I endure - amen.

Sactuary - freedom with solitude

It's nice to blog and kinda nice to know that noone reads anything I write here... There is sanctuary in the fact that this is my space - It's funny how scared we are of people finding out about us. I think it's a real reflection of just how scared we are of ourselves at times.

I've got God - and I am grabbing hold of his promises and holding them tightly. I'm finding that there is very little else that makes any sense at all. I'm scared for friends who are having hard times. I'm scared for myself with medical illnesses and impending tests which are freaking the crap out of me. I'm scared and worn out and don't really have much emotional energy left.

I feel like I have gone back to being the daggy kid in year 10. The one who never really gets seen; the one who noone really really cares that much about. I don't have a best friend - heck at the moment I struggle to have a close friend who I see more than once every blue moon. My best friend was my girlfriend (now ex) and our relationship makes absolutely zero sense right now. I don't do solitude well - I am capable of being a really solid guy when I have leg's on my table... but I just feel like I am floating in never never land at the moment.

Anyways - enough half finished phrases... I sound like a post match football player.

Current song: A certain Shade of Green - Incubus

Relevance in not much.

Sometimes a struggle builds you somehow
Tears you down, Leaves you dead
Time will pass, back to life
Hand on Shoulders, Bigger, Better
Sunday night, Tempers flair
Fights erupt and trickle down
Apologies, threats and lies
Backing down, compromise

While this city burns
These wounds will heal
You'll find your way
Though lines in sand
Become a proving ground
You'll find in time
Who can top who is their life

Sometimes a struggle leaves you fragile
Shaken up, Shotgun shy
With heartache past, and open eyes
You'll come back stronger, Bigger, Better
Maybe this time, Things will change
Brand new day, Forgive, Forget
Time has past, back to life
Hand on Shoulders, Bigger, Better

Only you with time can define your life
It's yours

Sparta - Porcelain - "Lines in the Sand"

What sparks joy when you are short of it.

What can spark joy when you aren't seeing much of it? people - and more specifically, seeing God working through people.

There is a girl at youth group, a troubled girl, a girl who struggles socially, a girl who is having difficulties in her home life - very loud and obnoxious; she today stated publically that youth group is the only place that she feels special, for who she is.

Praise God, and pray that he may continue to be visibly seen through the eyes of this young girl.

Stupids

God gives us wonderful people who look after us and tell us we are stupid when we are. I am really thankful for these people, I know I dwell on things - I know I analyze things to the point of ridiculousness. I know that my head must understand things for me to move on from them....

To Emma, Katie, and Iain - Thanks, I owe you all a lot more than thanks - but thanks all the same. I think I am starting to get somewhere - I am not there yet - but thanks for the slap when I needed it

- thanks for telling me I am a stupid.